Wednesday, 21 January 2015

TIGER WOODS IS LYING THROUGH HIS REMAINING TEETH


Yesterday we got the schadenfreudy news that Tiger Woods got a tooth knocked out by a photographer's camera and was forced to walk around Italy looking like a hillbilly. Today we're learning his story is complete bullshit, which I am not above gloating about because hello, called it!

In a nutshell, Tiger paid a surprise visit to the World Cup on Monday to cheer on his girlfriend, champion skiier Lindsey Vonn. But when the cameras caught the two smooching in the winner's circle, it also caught Tiger's hilarious Jethro mouth. Which immediately went viral and eclipsed his girlfriend's big day because that's what egomaniacs do when they're not boinking every blonde thing in sight. Tiger blamed an overzealous videographer, claiming he'd been violently clocked in the face, but apparently I wasn't the only one who smelled Tiger feces on that one because within hours, reporters were digging up recent photos of Tiger's discoloured front tooth (damaged when then-wife Elin Nordegren threw a phone at him as wives often do for no reason whatsoever), and interviewing World Cup organizers who flatly denied his version of the tooth truth. Indeed the zeal with which they threw him under the bus suggests I'm not the only one who hasn't forgiven Tiger for being an epic man-whore. 

Race secretary general Nicola Colli told reporters she accompanied Tiger throughout Monday's event and saw no such incident, nor was any such incident reported to organizers. Nor, she noted icily, did he appear to be in any pain, have any swelling, any discomfort, any bleeding ... and hey, how bout that skull-patterned face mask he had the prescience to wear that day? Was that a stroke of liar savante genius or what? Puh-leese. It's no wonder this douchebag got caught cheating.