Tuesday, 3 February 2015

I HAVE EMBARKED ON THE VACATION OF A LIFETIME

MY NOSE AND I ARE ON VACATION! 
(Photo taken in bathroom at Via train station in keeping with the tasteful tone of this blog.)

Greetings, everyone! I hope you survived the goddam brutality that was February 1 in this maneater of a country because heaven knows I barely did. I worked until midnight and then endured a white-knuckled luge ride to hell ... also known as the Gardiner during a blizzard ... arriving home at roughly 2 a.m. in spectacular, skidding-sideways-into-my-unplowed-driveway fashion while screaming "THANK YOU GOD THANK YOU JESUS!!!" My car immediately got stuck up to its nipples in snow, but I don't have enough fingers to count the shits I didn't give because frankly, I was just thankful to have arrived home alive. *glances at Canadian birth certificate moron editor has inserted directly under my nose, blushes* Oh. Right. We the North!

The next day, I slept until noon and then spent two hours shovelling before hitting the gym and diving into a rousing round of housecleaning because guess what? I'm on vacation! For two weeks! Is this the orgasmic vacation of everyone's dreams or what? Actually, that was just the foreplay: as of now I'm on my way to spend some quality time with two of my favourite people: myself and Piggly Wiggly. Because although just two years ago, before my granddaughter was born, "two weeks vacation" would mean I'd be on a flight to Puerto Vallarta faster than you could say "Mas tequila, Miguel! And why aren't you naked?", today it means "Omigod I cannot wait to get my hands on that baby!" You know you're getting senile when your idea of vacation paradise is back-to-back sleepless nights, diaper changes and gluten-free eyedropper feedings

Anyway kids, stay tuned: I will occasionally be posting the photos, videos and swear words to which you have become accustomed if not downright addicted. I'm basically just a crack dealer who sells words instead of rocks. But don't tell Piggly. She thinks I'm perfect.

ME WITH MY TWO FAVOURITE PEOPLE!