Monday, 16 February 2015

SPORTS ILLUSTRATED THINKS YOU SHOULD WAX NOW

THE PROBLEM WITH BEING IN THE TITILLATION BUSINESS 
while pretending not to be is that one eventually runs out of ways to be titillating in an artistic way and just resorts to flat-out porn. I'm no prude, but good lord, people: mons pubis?
Sports Ilustrated/March 2015

Happy Family Day! For the Americans in the house, this is a day Canadians with priorities spend with loved ones while the rest of us volunteer to work for extra cash because, hello, have you seen the price of ANYTHING these days? In honour of this special day and the values it represents, I'd like you to gather the children around and have a good ogle of this ridiculous Sports Illustrated cover. You'll notice that Miss March has coyly tugged her bikini bottom down to just before the point at which the censors will have a stroke and just above the hairline. Haha! Kidding! There are no censors, and there sure as hell isn't a hairline.

Because if you've been watching what's going on in music videos, fashion magazines and their sister industry, porn, women aren't allowed to have pubic hair anymore. It's gross. Boys don't like it. They've grown up on a steady diet of Internet sleaze and they honest-to-God think that women are completely bald down there ... "My God, what are you, an Ewok?" ... a fantasy all the famous young women of the day are only too happy to indulge by getting themselves waxed and Brazilianed on what has to be a weekly basis, mininum. 

There was a time when this cover would have been banned. But now, thanks to the tireless efforts of Rihanna, Nicki Minaj, Ariana Grande and of course everything that ever fell out of Kris Jenner's baby machine, the objectification and infantilization of women has gone mainstream and any magazine that hopes to appeal to male buyers had better be bursting with images of women who look like a legally intercoursable 12-year-old with double-D implants and thigh gap. You really can't take this any further without becoming a blow-up doll. Or Kim Kardashian.  

EDITOR'S NOTE At times like this, I often wonder: "What would Miranda do?" 
MY  NOTE Well let's ask her!