Wednesday, 11 February 2015


 to rear-end an elderly driver. I'm sure he's going to try to blame it on estrogen.

As I may have mentioned one or 32 times now, I am on a well-deserved vacation. I timed it perfectly because A) it's the coldest month of the year in this godforsaken hinterland so I don't actually even have to get out of bed if I don't want to and B) I had an excuse to miss the Grammys. About the only thing I hate more than an awards show is an awards show that inflicts Katy Perry, Miley Cyrus AND Kanye West on my eyeballs in one sitting. 

As part of my vacation therapy I am assiduously refraining from going anywhere near any celebrity gossip websites or entertainment news of any kind, but it's kind of like what I imagine rehab is like: long empty days of nail chewing combined with constant urges to do the one thing I know I shouldn't do BECAUSE I NEED TO BE ABLE TO SHOW MYSELF WHO'S BOSS. And it turns out gossip is. Because good lord, not even CBC with its publicly funded piety was able to resist running a gossip tickertape beneath the "real" news, which is how I learned that Bruce Jenner rear-ended some poor old woman who was probably on her way to the Piggly Wiggly. (Not this one.)

Well I can't lie. One look at the words "Bruce Jenner involved in fatal collision" and I was up the stairs and on the Interwebs faster than you can say "transgender fender bender." From there it was a nonstop orgy of celebrity gossip consumption and by the end of it I had taken in a week's worth of disgusting news and learned many, many important things. (Haha. Of course I didn't. It was like eating 20 boxes of cheap candy and then wanting to hurl so I could make room for more cheap candy.) So this is just a quick fix to tide me you over until I return from my restful downtime. Try to hang in there. I know it's cold and lonely without the bracing hits of snarkasm to which you've become accustomed, but there are people out there who have it worse than you do. And here they are:

Kelly Osbourne handled this completely understandable mistake with the aplomb we've come to expect of her. Or of any spoiled, ill-bred, completely classless violet-haired harpie. PageSix

The sad, sad story of Bobbi Kristina's tragic life just got a whole lot sadder. TMZ

Sia has apparently made a pact never to show her face. Lady Gaga, you might want to try that ... Refinery29

"You know what I'd love? A life-sized statue of Fifty Shades' Christian Grey MADE ENTIRELY OF CAKE!" said no one. Literally no one. Ever. MetroUK