Friday, 7 August 2015

JENNIFER ANISTON GOT MARRIED. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE

angela george/wikipedia

The more intelligent among you may remember how, several months back, I announced I was putting Whorrified on hianus because I got a real job. One that pays actual money with the legally binding proviso that I wear clothing to work and refrain from drinking vodka from a bowl. (I came this close to telling them to shove their job offer. I mean, really, who can work under those conditions?) 

But apparently Fate does not like being bossed around. Meaning something so Whorrifiable has happened that I was basically commanded by God to post, and so here is a super-special Whorrified instalment, gifted upon you at the behest of all the Whorror addicts out there who begged me, LITERALLY BEGGED ME, to return because Justin Theroux and Jennifer Aniston somehow pulled off a surprise wedding today. (And I can guarantee you nobody was more surprised than Jennifer Aniston.)

"Ha!" one faithful reader chortled. "And you said Jennifer Aniston would never get married!" 
"In fact," I retorted, "what I said was Jennifer Aniston would never have a baby." Although now that hell hath in fact frozen over it appears there's a chance even that might happen. I'm willing to bet that Jennifer of the Dusty Ovaries is at this very moment perusing the "Celebrity Guide to African Orphans" brochure while her groom pretends to be fast asleep so he can fantasize about Angelina.

Jen: Hon? You awake? *thrusts brochure at 'husband'* I really like the one on page six. What do you think?
Justin: *reads fake text message he furtively sent himself* Well isn't that my dumb luck! Barack Obama just sent me a message ordering me to report for duty in Vietnam!
Jen: But ... that war is over, isn't it?
Justin: Oh. *re-reads* Kazahkstan. It says Kazahkstan. I better go pack ...

EDITOR'S NOTE He's never coming back, is he?
MY NOTE Good lord! I thought you were dead!
EDITOR'S NOTE Ha. You weren't the first to lace my puffer with strychnine and you won't be the last. I didn't inhale!