Friday, 16 October 2015

LAMAR ODOM WAS JUST KIDDING, YOU GUYS; HE'S FINE!

David Shankbone/Wikipedia
I don't what they're putting in crack these days but it might just be titanium because holy shit, Lamar Odom! After a drug-fuelled orgy at a Nevada brothel drop-kicked him into unconsciousness, Lamar was airlifted to hospital, where he lapsed into a coma and circled the drain for three ever-worsening days. TMZ ominously reported that his heart, lungs and kidneys were shutting down. The entire Kardashian clan flew in to prey at his bedside *runs spellcheck, nods*. Doctors insisted it would be a medical miracle if he survived after the amount of narcotics he'd funnelled into himself, and then suddenly, this news: Lamar has regained consciousness and "spoken a few words". (I am unable to confirm reports that those words were: "Jesus Christ, the Kardashians? What I gotta do to be rid of this family?"

And I guess I'm happy for him, but this entire episode has set the "Just say no to crack" movement back 20 years.
"But mommy, Lamar Odom does crack and he spent $75K at a whorehouse and almost died and and now he's more famous than ever!"
"Er, yes ... but ... well he's probably got the clap and his hoohaw is gonna turn green and fall off. Do you want your hoohaw to fall off?"
"No."
"That's what I thought. Now go read a book and improve your mind. I'm trying to watch Keeping Up With the Kardashians."