Monday, 28 March 2016

IT'S LADY GAGA'S BIRTHDAY SO I'LL TRY TO BE NICE

LADY GAGA (RIGHT) TURNS 30 TODAY 
because my prayers went unanswered.  
Instagram

Despite my constant campaign of lobbying, pleading and flat-out bribery, the Grim Reaper appears to be ignoring me and has somehow allowed Lady Gaga to live to see another birthday. Which would be today, in case you're looking for more reasons not to get out of bed on a rainy March Monday. The Gag turns 30 today (Editor's note: In lizard years? My note: Ooooh, good one! Maybe I won't have you castrated after all!) which surprises me because I have kids that age so this creature could theoretically have been my child. This is how I'd like to imagine that scenario playing out:
Me: Aaaagh! Something prickly and demonic just fell out of me!
Doctor: Awww, it's a wee baby! It's a ... girl? I think?
Me: *flushes toilet swiftly* Sorry, I had to. That thing was gonna be weird.

Haha, just kidding. Of course I wouldn't have treated Lady Gaga to such an undignified disposal; it would frighten the goldfish. I'd simply have wrapped her in algae and abandoned her to the wolves and she'd have turned out exactly as she actually did. (Oh, you doubt me? Please click here.) Which leads me back to the point I think I was trying to make, which is happy birthday, Lady Gaga! I'm a huge fan! *resumes kneeling position, clasps hands, hisses 'OK, so maybe NEXT year, then?'*