Thursday, 10 March 2016


I haven't been keeping up with my usual healthful regimen of nonstop verbal deflowering of celebrities lately on account of the fact that I recently got my nails done and can't type a goddam thing without hitting four keys when I meant to hit one. (So if the word "fuck" appears here you can blame the idiot who invented 'qwertyfuck'. Who was a man, obvs.) And also because I'm supposed to be behaving more respectably now that I've got a 'serious' job and stopped drinking. I'll leave it to you to figure out which of all of those phrases was a lie. 

However, I'm soberish now ... or will be until my paycheque lands via direct deposit ... and can't help noticing that a lot of celebrities have been knocking themselves out trying to get my attention. (You can stop now, full-frontal Kim Kardashian; it worked. Oh and by the way, your children will see your glorious naked oeuvre some day. I'm sure it'll be fine. They're half Kanye and have Caitlyn Jenner for a grandma, so presumably they're quite comfortable with madness.)

Meanwhile, the nanny that broke up Gwen Stefani's marriage to Gavin Rossdale is pregnant and everyone's wondering if it could possibly be Gavin Rossdale's baby because let's face it, she's a poorer, sloppier, sluttier and homelier version of Gwen Stefani, so why would he have touched her with a ten-foot pole? Well I'm no anthropologist but I'm going to go ahead and guess "just because." Jude Law, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tiger Woods and every other man who has ever had the opportunity, you'll back me up on this one, won't you? 

And while we're on the subject of men who disappoint me over and over and over again, I am thrilled to report that the one man who never ceases to make me proud to be Canadian is on the cover of GQ this month. God help me, I took one look at it and damn near bought it ... but didn't, of course. I have my pride. *slides Piggly Wiggly a $50. "Tell them you're buying it for your mommy. And bring me the change."*

And lastly, because my nails hurt and I'm tired now, let's finish on a positive note: Flavor Flav, whose career ended decades ago but his teeth refuse to believe it, has found a fun new way to make a few bucks: Predicting the weather. Granted, he's no Coco, but the important thing to note is that he can't drive while he's predicting the weather, so just let him predict, you guys. You're saving lives.