Thursday, 21 April 2016

PRINCE HAS DIED. I AM OFFICIALLY UNABLE TO DEAL

PRINCE, THOUGHTFUL TO THE END, DIED ON MY DAY OFF, 
no doubt knowing that I'd have had to call in heartbroken otherwise.
Normally I'd spend my precious day off by sleeping till noon followed by a cleansing vodka colonic, but today is no ordinary day off. Today we have lost one of the greatest musical greats of our era, the master of guitar bating, the king of qool, and, it has to be said, a card-carrying lunatic. (It's a genius thing.) I learned of Prince's death today while at a Portuguese restaurant, where a TV news flash read: "Mourners gather outside Prince's home." 

"Omigod! Did Prince die?" I blurted to the cashier. He looked alarmed and leaned across the counter to ask the people in the line behind me, "Does anyone know if Prince is dead?"
Well that did nothing but muddy the waters. 
"Prince Charles died?" one lady asked. 
"Good!" barked another. 
"Never mind," I said, "I'll ask Twitter," and within seconds, my fears were confirmed. Prince has indeed died, at the tender age of 57. Details are sketchy, although he'd reportedly been suffering "complications of flu" (?) and was found dead in an elevator at his Minnesota home. I won't go on about his remarkable legacy because others are far more capable of paying a fitting tribute, but I will say that he was totally right: The beautiful ones, you always seem to lose. God took Prince but left Donald Trump? What. The actual. Fuck.


In other 'musical genius' news, we have the other Canadian Justin posting a video on the pretext of defending his ugly dreadlockswhen in fact it is clearly just a bold-faced endorsement of Prime Minister Justin Trudeau's efforts to legalize marijuana. You simply cannot watch this and still think weed turns you into an idiot. This lad was an idiot to begin with. "Being weird is fun," he intones cheech-and-chong-ily. "If you are not weird I don't like you." You can watch the video here if you're high and find this sort of crap amusing.



Lastly, we have James Franco clearing up that pesky confusion about his sexuality by definitively stating he's "a little gay." Which is sort of like being "a little pregnant." Unless he's referring to his stature, in which case I am so sorry for mocking your puniness, James. I meant no disrespect. Okay, maybe "a little" ...

And now, to help wash the taste of douche out of our mouths after those last two items, I'm going to leave this photo of Prince here while I go have that long-overdue colonic. Only today I'm going to use purple gin instead of vodka. One must afford these sombre occasions the respect they deserve.