Wednesday, 21 September 2016


BRANGELINA with their six-pack of children. 
 And you can tell by Brad's "scary muttering vagrant" beard that the sheer joy of family life is already starting to get to him.

I'm no marriage expert (although I am highly skilled in divorce), but I can't say I'm surprised that Brangelina have decided to call it quits. Or more specifically, that Angelina has decided to call it quits and Brad is pretending "the commandment" was a mutual decision. You can't make an alpha male out of a lapdog. Nor can you have a relationship in which one person's vision just keeps getting deeper and more humanitarian, while the other's shrivels up to the point that all he really cares about is how long he has to wait before he can light up another doobie without having her bark: "REALLY, Cheech?" 

There are many rumours about what really caused the breakup, the most titillating but least likely of which alleges Marion Cotillard allowed filthy-bearded Brad Pitt to bed her (Cotillard: "Dude! You're about 10 years too late."). There's also my personal belief, which is actually one of the laws of the universe: that wilfully shatting on your "sexiest man alive" status by growing a stinky squirrel pelt on your face is tantamount to writing DIVORCE ME in pig's blood on your forehead. I'm pretty sure Johnny Depp knows what I'm talking about.

But the most persistent, and probably most truthful, story is that Angie has had enough of Brad's "weed and alcohol dependence" and feels it's affecting the children. (Editor's note: Uhm, Angelina: he stayed with you through cancer and you have six brats running around your house. LET THE MAN HAVE A GODDAM SNOOTFUL OF SCOTCH ONCE IN AWHILE!) Which just goes to show it doesn't matter how beautiful you are or how much money you have, if you've been together 12 years and you've got six kids and you're approaching your best mid-life crisis years, you're going to hit some potholes. The key is whether you decide to ride through them or bail out of the old jalopy and buy a new one. 

Money helps make the second option a lot more attractive, and frankly, having been in my fair share of old jalopies, bailing out isn't always the worst option. Particularly if the entire family is unhappy in the old jalopy. Which leads us to about the only thing that really matters, and that is what happens to the children. Mock Angelina's controlling, orphan-hoarding  ways as much as you want, you can't deny she seems to put her children first. And despite Brad's regrettable personal grooming habits and pot-addled milquetoastery, there is no indication that he is anything but a devoted father and a decent, if incredibly boring, man. 

So I'm fairly hopeful that their kids will come through this thoroughly Hollywood upbringing mostly unscathed. Although that's never actually happened, ever, in the history of Hollywood divorces, so I don't know what the hell I've been smoking, but it wasn't half bad and I'm going to have to ask Brad to hook me up with some more of it. It's practically legal here in Canada now. Thanks, Justin Trudeau!

EDITOR'S NOTE Well she MUST have been smoking something because she didn't call either of them a whore and she didn't use the f-word once.

MY NOTE That's because I'm off the hooch again. Don't worry. That ends tonight *checks watch* actually, right now, and then the speculations about who will turn into a bed-hopping train wreck first will commence in earnest. So far, the smart money's on Brad.