Thursday, 22 September 2016

BRAD PITT'S KIDS ARE SO GOING TO NEED THERAPY

Chrisa Hickley/Wikipedia
So the Brangelina divorce is proceeding amicably. Wait ... *consults dictionary* ... horribly. Make that "horribly." Because until today we all thought the worst thing about Brad Pitt was that filthy hemp beard and a bad weed habit. But now it turns out he may also be a prolific screamer and kicker of children, if TMZ is to believed. (And alas, TMZ is usually to be believed. I don't know when they became the official "trusted celebrity news" source but I do know it was years before Trump became the likely next President of the United States of America, so this meltdown of the nation's soul has been going on for a while.) 

TMZ is reporting that police were called on suspicion of child abuse stemming from an incident on a private jet, during which Brad "Bad Dad" Pitt allegedly imbibed so many of his favourite substances that he mistook his kids for people he hates and completely lost his gourd on them. The fun continued on the tarmac afterwards, with a concerned airline staffer calling police. And I hope that concerned staffer also surreptitiously took photos on his cellphone, because he could retire on what TMZ pays for that sort of shite. 

This incident is reportedly the straw that broke Brangelina's back, with Angie filing for divorce the next day. Multiple news sources are now reporting that the FBI has spoken with Brad, who admits he "yelled" at 15-year-old Maddox but vehemently denies he laid a hand on him. It's all very sad, and will no doubt lead to further lawsuits because, hello! I thought weed was supposed to make you mellow? That'll teach you to buy discount pot from Chris Brown's dealer.

Read the full TMZ 'exclusive' here.