Monday, 21 November 2016

THIS JUST IN: KANYE IS COMPLETELY BATSHIT CRAZY

I know we all ought to be worrying full-time about the fact that a giant orange lizard is poised to take command of the White House, but the news that Kanye West has been hospitalized for a nervous breakdown just broke and now I can't think about anything else. Because in a world where Kanye West can get away with punching paparazzi, ordering the president not to speak his wife's name and literally saying the words "I am Shakespeare in the flesh" without being straitjacked and dragged away in a net, Kanye West being admitted to a hospital for excessive ranting is a huge deal. Uuuge!  

For those of you who read the New York Times or almost anything more intelligent than TMZ, let me bring you up to speed, while simultaneously wondering why the hell you're reading Whorrified (Editor's note: I'm sure they're only here for the pictures of Piggly Wiggly). 
On Saturday night in Sacramento, Kanye interrupted his own concert to deliver an epic screed in which he slashed everyone from Beyonce to Hillary Clinton. He lambasted people for not believing the bullshit story that his porn-star wife was robbed in Paris, criticized Facebook boss Mark Zuckerberg for failing to give him $53M to get out of debt (!!!), complained that Beyonce won't attend awards shows unless she is guaranteed the top prize, and said he was hurt that Jay Z didn't visit his family after the "robbery." And in case you're wondering at what point things cross the line from normal Kanye ranting to insane Kanye ranting, apparently it's begging Jay Z to spare your life. Because he then went on to suggest that Jay Z employed hitmen, saying: "Jay Z, I know you got killers, please don't send them at my head."

Of course, epic rants are about as unusual at a Kanye concert as pants falling off at a Justin Bieber concert, but this one was so beyond the pale that there are fears Jay Z may actually have him killed. As well as fears that Jay Z may actually NOT have him killed. And so, if for no other reason than to avoid being murdered, Kanye has checked into a hospital in Los Angeles and cancelled the remaining dates of his Saint Pablo tour. 

Don't get me wrong: I'm not worried about Kanye and I sure as hell don't feel sorry for him. I just find it thrilling in a deliciously schadenfreudy kind of way. And now that I've brought this crucial item to your attention, we can now get back to the second-most important task of the day: lobbying to have the Great Pumpkin impeached and replaced by the vastly more amusing and far more capable Alec Baldwin in full Donald Trump regalia. AMERICA: WE SHALL OVERCOMB!


RELATED: * Kanye West's insanity is going to need its own blog soon
* So Kanye is actually giving the President orders now