Thursday, 24 March 2016

DAVID LETTERMAN IS THE STUFF OF NIGHTMARES

I HAVE A VERY VIVID RECURRING NIGHTMARE 
in which a man who looks exactly like this chases all of my children into a hole and eats them. 
The Daily Mail
We are mere hours away from the holiest day of the Catholic year, so naturally my thoughts turn to the fact that I have mere hours left to say and do all the things I will soon have to beg our lord Christ's forgiveness for. (I think he appreciates that I keep him busy. You always love your bad kids the most!) Which brings us neatly to the fact that A) I have no intention of eating stinky fish on Good Friday and B) speaking of stinky fish, could you ever in a million years guess who this pervy bearded codger is? Yeah don't hurt your brain, I'll give you a hint: IT'S DAVID FREAKIN LETTERMAN. 

That's right, David Letterman, 68 going on a hundred and eleventy, getting his fitness on in St. Bart's. Although one wonders why he even bothers because clearly this bizarre reverse-Benjamin-Button death race his body is taking him on will see him rigor-mortised by Sunday. One scarcely knows which part of this visual terrorism to look away from first: the teeth the colour of opium addiction, the beard that reeks of child molester, the wrinkled knees that scream "prison bitch" ... it's like the universe took one look at him and said: "Top 10 reasons why retirement is a bad idea: Go!"

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go and hide chocolate eggs all over Rob Ford's body in case he rises from the dead on Easter Monday. Just like Jesus did. *makes the sign of the cross, dodges bolt of lightning* What? He loved chocolate!!!

Tuesday, 22 March 2016

KATIE HOLMES LOOKS SUPER HAPPY TO BE ALIVE!

KATIE HOLMES AND HER DAUGHTER SURI AT A ... 
Well I'm not sure what the hell they're doing but my money's on "sitting outside waiting for the soup kitchen to open." 
 DAILY MAIL



I can glean two things from staring obsessively at this photo, which I have been doing since stumbling across it on the Internet late last night while I was Googling "bag ladies." One: Suri Cruise, who's almost 10 now, is definitely Tom Cruise's child. She couldn't look more like him if she were jumping on a couch and wearing shoe lifts. Two: I see Katie Holmes is aggressively ramping up her campaign to be crowned World's Most Boring woman by appearing in public looking like she snorts lines of dullness and head lice. Jesus Christ, Katie, would it KILL you to brush your goddam hair? True, this could just be an attempt to avoid being spotted by the paparazzi, but to do that she'd have to start looking like she bathes. Paparazzo 1: Hey, isn't that Katie Holmes? 
Paparazzo 2: Who, her? *doubles over in hysterics* Bahaha are you freakin' kidding me? She's wearing makeup!


UNEMPLOYED NANNY FOR HIRE: SORRY, NO REFERENCES

JENNIFER GARNER THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA  
to hire this woman as her live-in nanny. 
Page Six

I'm not usually one to apologize for sluts but after seeing this photo of Christine Ouzounian, the "nanny" who reportedly caused Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner's breakup, I'm like "This is totally Jennifer's fault!" Because my God, what woman in her right mind hires a woman like this as a live-in anything? Mrs. Doubtfire, people! That's what female live-in staff are supposed to look like. Although of course I'm sure Maria Shriver thought she was pretty shrewd for following that rule to the letter when she hired Guatemalan hobbit Mildred Baena and now there's an Arnie-lookalike love child named Joseph Baena out there, so what do I know? You really shouldn't listen to me at all. I'm a huge bitch. Plus I tend to let gin do most of the talking. 

ON THE OTHER HAND, MARIA SHRIVER HIRED THIS WOMAN and Arnie STILL couldn't keep his hamhocks off her. That's the spawn of his 'roid-addled desire on the right.