Tuesday, 14 June 2016

JEREMY MEEKS IS OUT OF JAIL. YOU'RE WELCOME

jeremy meeks
JEREMY MEEKS/INSTAGRAM
As a woman whose hilariously disastrous choices in lifemates have been the stuff of nightmares, not to mention lawsuits (memo to self: next time, maybe go for a lawyer? No wait, plastic surgeon!), I take great comfort in the fact that so many other broads are literally going gaga over convicted felon Jeremy Meeks. You remember Jeremy Meeks, don't you? The guy whose dreamy mugshot gave the Internet an aneurysm, an asthma attack and an erection, all at the same time? Yeah, well about the only thing that kept the women of the world from lining up to have his probably-psychotic babies is the fact that he was locked up for 27 months due to whatever stupid shite it was that put him in there. (Random broad: Was it murder? Me: No, weapons charges and gang activity and ... Random woman: *clutching sweaty printed copy of mugshot* Oh who cares?!?) Alas, that prophylactic barrier has finally worn out. Yes, Jeremy Meeks is out of prison and back on the market and looking none the worse for wear. And by "wear," I mean just imagine what sort of uses Bubba in cellblock D found for ol' Jerry-boy. "Meeks," indeed!

MEG RYAN LOOKS NOTHING LIKE MEG RYAN ANYMORE

HERE'S MEG RYAN HAVING TROUBLE DISTINGUISHING HER TONGUE FROM HER LIP 
 because obviously neither of them are real anymore.

I don't know what Meg Ryan has been injecting into her face lately but if you held a collagen-filled syringe to my head and made me guess I'd say "POINT THAT GODDAMN THING AT MEG RYAN! SHE OBVIOUSLY LOVES IT!" Because here is the once-adorable Meg scaring the crap out of everybody by showing up at the Tony Awards sporting a head made entirely of Play-Doh and formaldehyde. And of course Twitter immediately had a shit-fit because if there's one thing Twitter is good for it's bringin' the love. Meg herself has yet to respond to the social media cornholing because her lips don't move anymore, but if they did I'm sure it would only be to utter the same bullshit she uttered the last time she had her face rejigged, specifically: adamant denial. Meanwhile the plastic surgeons do-gooders out there are rushing to her defence and calling for an end to the "plastic surgery shaming," which makes me laugh because when Meg says it it comes out like: "plshtic shushusee shemming" and also because it's utter horse manure. I did not shame your face, girlfriend. YOU DID!


Monday, 13 June 2016

WILL SMITH WHORING OUT HIS KIDS IN A LOVING WAY

WILL SMITH IS WARY OF THE EFFECTS
 OF CELEBRITY ON HIS CHILDREN
Which explains why he trots them out 
into the limelight at every single opportunity. 
(That's Jaden, left, and Willow, right, 
with Ma 'n' Pa at some child-focused event 
they no doubt begged to attend.)
Photo/Harrywad

Here's a little-known fact about concerned parent Will Smith, 44, star of MIB, Independence Day and a whole bunch of other movies that made unfathomable schmazillions of dollars: he's not comfortable with his kids being celebrities. 

Smith, whose son Jaden began co-starring with him at age 7 (!!!) in The Pursuit of Happyness and whose other two children dabble in music (you can watch a freakishly young Willow whip her hair back and forth right here), is in the midst of a globe-hopping promotional tour for After Earth, also starring Jaden. But that is not stopping him from reflecting on the scarier aspects of parentood. 
Namely, drugs. 
And by drugs, I mean money movies.

"This business has almost a narcotic quality," Smith said in an interview with Australia's IB Times. "So it's almost as if you're introducing a narcotic into your kid's life."

Not that he's letting that stop him.

In fact Will Smith is obviously a much better actor than I thought because I would NEVER have guessed that he feels this way. Indeed, to the untrained eye, it appears as though he is shoving his children of average talent under our noses at every blessed opportunity. If showbiz is a drug, Will Smith is a drug dealer. 
“Geez, I am so worried you’re going to get hooked on drugs! Don’t do drugs! Drugs are bad! Here, have some drugs!”
"But Daddy, I just want to play ... "
"Goddamit, you suckling idiot! Does playing bring home 600 million dollars? I don't flippin' think so!" (I don't know if he actually said 'flippin,' but I'm guessing that as a concerned parent, Will Smith frowns on the use of curse words. The man obviously has standards, you guys.)

WILL SMITH'S NOTE: What? Y'all don't get it! I love my kids! I protect my kids! I ... hang on, that's Willow's dealer on the line. "What? No flippin' way! Two million or her clothes stay on!" Huh. Now where were we . . . 

Review: All that pimping was for naught because the movie is a total piece of crap, apparently.