Friday, 24 June 2016

IT'S THURSDAY! WHO WANTS TO OGLE MY SAGGY LINKS?

THREE THOUSAND BUCKS IF YOU CAN GUESS WHO THIS RAGING SEX PISTOL IS. 
Haha. Just kidding. I don't have three thousand bucks, but I bet I just made you feel a lot better about the state of your own ass. (Hint: Don't Hassel the Hoff!)


Several readers complained about the "political nature" of some of my recent posts, here and here. Hel-lo! Trying to crawl out of the gutter here, people! Give me a hand up instead of a smack down, will ya? 
Anyway, to help get the offensive taste of erudition out of your mouth, I decided to offer up a buffet of fluffy, flabby and very likely surgically enhanced titillation today. I present to you, courtesy of The New York Daily Times, a gallery of photos of celebrities taking their sheepish bodies to the beach. You think YOU look bad in a bathing suit? You won't after you peruse this smorgasbord of fleshy disaster. Please get your fill of Quentin Tarantino's arse and Judge Judy's midriff, because tomorrow I'm going to be writing about Noam Chomsky, world's most boring intellectual. I might be kidding, but you won't know that till tomorrow, so for today, boobs. And Rod Stewart in a Speedo. Click here and enjoy. 

Editor's note: Several readers also complained about the "missing" link, above. All fixed now, thanks for kvetching!

Thursday, 23 June 2016

HOLY SHIT, 62-YEAR-OLD JANE SEYMOUR IN A BIKINI!

Jane Seymour, bikini, Closer magazine, Whorrified,
CLOSER, JANUARY 2014
Featuring Jane Seymour
Editor's Note: My stunningly beautiful but vile-spirited witch of a boss has something to say to all of you. *waits expectantly* 
My note: *truculently* I don't want to!
Editor's Note: *gently* Go on. Just do it.
My note: Okay, fine. FINE! So a few days ago I posted a pic of Demi Moore
in a bikini and of course I mocked the shit out of it because in case you've never read the intro at the top of this blog, it's what I do. 


Well that went over really well with the feminists but in my heart I was like SCREW YOU GUYS! Then today I happened across this pic of Jane Seymour, 62, in a bikini. And I'm not sure what an epiphany feels like but if it feels like an orgasm then I think I had one, because holy crap, people! This is what 62 looks like? I don't think I looked like that at 22. Or 32. Or ... well I can't talk about what I'll look like at an age I haven't reached yet, so we'll stop here while I'm still being nice. Jane Seymour, you do not need a tummy tuck! 

EDITOR'S NOTE: There. Was that so hard?
MY NOTE: My skin is itchy and I feel like I'm going to throw up.

EDITOR'S NOTE: I had a feeling this might happen. *mixes one part turpentine with two parts tequila in martini shaker, pours directly down boss's gasping maw*
MY NOTE: R-R-RAH! Look at that old broad in a bikini! Photoshop much? I've seen bigger tits on a ... hey, what the hell? EDITOR! *crushes empty martini shaker* This fucking thing is EMPTY!!!

EDITOR'S NOTE: Yup. All better. 

*GMILF OF THE YEAR! And while you're waiting for your inappropriate erection to subside, here are Jane Seymour's "secrets" to looking creepily hot at 62. 

Sunday, 19 June 2016

JUSTIN BIEBER FELL OFF A STAGE; IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT

JUSTIN BIEBER, MOMENTS BEFORE PLUMMETING TO HIS NEAR-DEMISE
This never would have happened if he'd been wearing a damn belt. 
(View the irresistible video evidence below.)

You know that thing that you keep wishing and imagining and fantasizing would happen to Justin Bieber, I mean fantasize so hard that it's almost like it actually happened? That thing where the earth just opens up and swallows him while he's fiddling with his ridiculous pantaloons or whatever the kids call those things nowadays? Yeah, well congratulations. It DID actually happen. On stage. In Saskatoon (which was a nice touch, Jesus; I didn't realize you too have a sense of humour, perhaps we should get together for a drink sometime!) during his Purpose world tour. Once he recovered from the shock of discovering that somebody booby-trapped the stage in anticipation of his pants-fiddling arrival, the Biebs laughed the whole thing off as a cosmic joke, telling the crowd: "Good thing I’m like a cat and I landed on my feet. That scared the f… out of me." Yeah well it didn't scare me, Biebs, in fact I am at this very moment watching this video over and over and over in an unstoppable loop and wondering if there's some way I can wish this into happening to my moron editor.